Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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