my phone needs a breathalizer
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
