my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
