She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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