Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
