it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
