Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
