got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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