Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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