he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
