Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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