What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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