Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
