i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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