FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
