But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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