I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Are my feet made of real feet?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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