dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Enjoy the penises
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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