just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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