just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
