Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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