I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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