So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
