And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
