how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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