I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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