bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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