Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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