YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
