No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
