I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
