Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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