Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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