I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
