I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
