It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
