If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
