Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
