The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
