just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
