I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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