Your face is a jimmy john
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
