Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Hippo gnu deer
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
