Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
