she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
