I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
