Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
