Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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