i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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