Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
