Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
