It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
