I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
